prepare for impact

Seatbelts fastened. Ankles grabbed in braced position. Multiple synapses firing... thoughts flooding my cranium as life continues to lose altitude.
November 4 is accelerating toward us and my window shade is drawn.
Pitbulls with lipstick speeches. Teenage pregnancy scandals. Rumors of dementia. It's almost too much to bear. Thank God we only go through this once every 1,460 days. Listening to my iPod on loop. The usual suspects. Tracey Thorn's "Out of the Woods." Swing Out Sister's "Beautiful Mess." Pizzicato 5's "Big Hits and Jetlags."On the screen... the perennial Project Runway. CNN. HGTV. And hurricane tracking on The Weather Channel.Work. Don't ask.
Film Festival. Just beginning, yet almost over. Brings to mind the refrain that it takes a lot of effort to appear effortless.
A hint of chill in the night air on the tarmac. Farewell to flip-flops (Yes, Julia... we are raising a generation of fallen arches.)DING.The NO SMOKING sign lights up. I forgot to raise my seat tray. Damn, now I need to piss.

come sit next to me

Humor me. This will only take up three minutes, twenty seconds of your valuable time.... perhaps not even that long. In the span of one Britney Spears "song" (and I do use that term loosely), I will feel much, much better and you can carry on with your boring lives.
Let me start by saying that I refuse to wear a flag pin, or a God Bless America t-shirt, or put a metallic yellow ribbon bumper sticker on my car in support of the troops. While we're on the subject, you won't find a red, pink, or blue ribbon on my bumper either. Personally, I'm just not into causes.
I will not pardon a senior citizen for changing lanes without a signal. I will not tolerate children under the age of 5 -- make that 10 -- ruining my intimate dinner at a nice restaurant. And, I am staunchly opposed to vegetarians and Republicans alike. Oddly enough, most people who don't eat meat are Democrats -- but that's a moot point. One cancels out the other.There are a host of things that I don't like, but conversely there are a couple of things that please me.

But this blog isn't about those things.

This is not a Christmas card. These are a few of my unfavorite things: Cigarette smoke, body odor, poor fashion, ignorance, racism, fascism, narcissism, bad movies, Paris Hilton, lack of humility, cruelty to animals, FOX News, slow internet connections, pickle relish, bologna, traffic, $4 gallon gas, misspelled words, condescension, subpoenas, intolerance, godhatesfags.com, George Bush, John McCain (wait, did I just say that twice?), poverty, crime, clergy abuse, mascara abuse, abuse in general, insincerity, sociopaths, baggy jeans, hypocrisy, rayon, the color purple.... not the movie or Tony-nominated Broadway production which I think are both fabulous although the play veers sharply from the movie in the second act, tequila, organized religion, unorganized religion, crunchy cereal, Wal-Mart, guns, radishes, lima beans, Lysol Spray, hospitals, rudeness, pollution, flight delays, customer service in India, customer service in Indiana, warm beer, small minds, and rambling blogs. I think that about covers it.

my life as a dink

I got a chuckle from reading a headline in this morning's paper -- or internet rather, as papers seem to be so 1993 -- proclaiming gay couples as the new "dinks." Apparently, this serves as an acronym for "double income, no kids" since I suppose "fashion sense, no wrinkles" wouldn't do. Today marks an historic occasion as California performs it first legal gay wedding ceremony. You can just about hear the cash registers at Crate and Barrel and Williams-Sonoma cha-chinging from here. Looks as if current polling places public sentiment in favor of legalizing same-sex unions hovering around 33-40% -- poll numbers Bush would kill for. I say, live and let pay taxes. We should all have the same rights to be as miserable as our straight counterparts. After all, I predict that in five years or so, the divorce court dockets will be full of Mr Kramer vs. Mr. Kramer, and then the playing field will be truly leveled. Here comes the Groom....

untitled

I have a severe case of writer’s block. The words just don’t flow, as if the tap has been turned off at the source for non-payment. This is synaptic constipation at its best.... textual dysfunction, if you will. The familiar noun-verb-noun structure has failed me. Times like these are a reminder that those who can, do... those who can’t apparently blog about it.

modern furniture (and the gays)

..Since the earth is curved, when one points a finger, physically speaking, said finger is generally accepted as being aimed back at the pointer. Attached is an article I recently stumbled across that possibly explains the rationale behind my love for all things IKEA, mid-century, and the Barcelona Chair in exquisitely excruciating detail. Be careful what you wish for... you might just read about yourself. And yes, I do own one if you care to sit on it..When gay people envision their dream home, a key part of the fantasy involves a least one piece of furniture designed by a famous architect from the 1930s.
Architects like Mies van der Rohe and Le Corbusier designed iconic modern furniture that has inspired virtually everything made by Ikea and Design Within Reach, both of which are key suppliers of furniture to gay people.
But as with all things, gay people will do whatever it takes to secure authenticity including paying thousands of dollars for a small piece of furniture.
If they are able to acquire this prized furniture, they will forever refer to it only by the designers name. "I spend hours in the van der Rohe, just looking through these beautiful books of his work."
Referring to a gay person's expensive chair as a 'chair' is considered poor form and will likely result in a loss of trust and/or respect.
The best strategy for avoiding this faux pas is to look for the most uncomfortable chair in a gay person's home and ask "who designed that?" If they say "Ikea" or "Design within Reach" you can call it a chair, otherwise refer to it only by the name they give you.
It should also be noted that many heterosexuals are unable to acquire this furniture, but that does not mean you can use this information to your advantage.
In situations where you need to improve your connection with a gay person, just mention how you hope to be successful enough to one day afford an original piece of furniture by ___________ . If they have heard of the designer they will nod in agreement, if they have not, they will also nod in agreement and make a note to look it up later.
In either case, your status will rise.

2008 A.D.

I am good. I will be better. I will be on time, and have more patience for those who aren't. I will eat less red meat. I will eat more red meat. I will read my Kabbalah books. I will be a better listener, and a better friend. I will write letters that require stamps. I will get my BMW. I will trespass less, and forgive those who trespass against me. I will shoot trespassers. I will be more organized and return calls, emails, and faxes in a timely manner. I will be less judgmental (except in cases of fashion.) I will vote Democratic. I will touch the Eiffel Tower and eat french fries in France. I will learn to play the guitar. I will use the word "will" less often. I will.